Pelvic Ultrasound
The first thing anyone needs to know who is going for an abdominal pelvic ultrasound is: When they tell you to fill your bladder, fill it and fill it good.
I arrived for my appointment, filled out an extensive amount of paperwork & was called promptly into the ultrasound room. The nurse rubbed some cold liquid gel on my belly, scanned it and curtly advised me that my bladder was not filled to capacity. I protested that I had drunk 2 pints of water that morning but a las, it wasn’t enough. A full bladder helps move the uterus up and moves the bowel away to get the best images. They couldn’t accommodate me (or wait for my bladder to fill) any later in that day so I was instructed to re-schedule my appointment for a future date. Supposedly this happens more often than you’d think…
So, Take 2….. 5 days later and due to lack of appointment availability, I’m back but at a different facility. My bladder is bursting. I’m in serious pain. Last time I felt this type of pain was at Robbie Williams’ concert in Slane Castle in 2000 after I had drunk far too many cans of cider and was stuck on a transfer bus for 2 hours.
The receptionist asked for payment upfront. After handing over my Blue Cross PPO insurance info, I was informed that as I had not met my deductible yet, I would be billed $243 for this ultrasound. Hold on. “Isn’t this classed as a diagnostic scan so it should be covered?” I asked. The receptionist responded with a phrase I would hear many, many times over the next few months “You would have to call your insurance to find out, Ma’am – This is what we charge which you will need to pay today and you can take up any reimbursement with them afterwards.” I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. Many people couldn’t afford $243 to have a scan to just check something out. Many people would be forced to walk away at this point. I’m a struggling actor….but this is my health (my mother’s voice rang in my ear)….Damn you America! I handed over my credit card & proceeded to fill out the 27 pages of paperwork, again.
After what seemed like an eternity and certainly a couple of pee trickles, my name was called and in I went. They did the abdominal ultrasound first. Pretty straight forward, exactly what you see on TV and the nurse quickly let me run to the restroom to relieve myself. I returned a whole new woman. Nothing like that feeling of emptying a full bladder. Now for the fun part. The nurse reveals what can only be a described as a dildo with a camera inside it covered in lube. “Buckle up” I thought and she went to work snapping photos from all angles inside my uterus. This took about 20 minutes. It was like a never-ending pap-smear. I forced myself to zone out and promised myself a trip to Five Guys for a burger afterwards. With bacon. Extra Bacon…yes…Fuck it, I’ll have the fries too. The nurse stirred me from my daydream “Are you feeling ok? Any pain here? What about HERE?” I was feeling fine, under the circumstances – no real pain. I was ready to get these results and be told, as always, that “everything came back normal”. I looked at her face as she looked at the monitor and the photos she was snapping. Something wasn’t right. She frowned and looked slightly concerned. She was seeing something. I waited until we were done and I asked “So, is everything ok? Should I be worried?” She replied “Your doctor will have the results in 2-5 business days. I’m not at liberty to disclose anything I see during the ultra-sounds” (Even though she was clearly disclosing something with her face) Well that’s just bloody fantastic, isn’t it….tick fucking tock.